Cracks in the Pavement - A Brief Wallow
Sometimes events conspire to make you feel really superstitious.
When I talked to a psychologist about my cancer she told me that "cracks in the pavement" type fears are the most primeval of all.
Well I've just got my new passport back. (The picture is awful, but I didn't take it - I couldn't face setting everything up with a white backdrop etc.) And I've found it quite chilling to look at the changes in my face over these last ten years, my face a little thicker, eyes a little less sparky.
But somehow it feels very good to have a piece of paper that says I can travel the world until 2017!
The fact that my passport was expiring around my 5 year survival point really did feel like stepping on the cracks in the pavement. What made it worse was a woman I got to know when first diagnosed. She claimed our prognosis was similar, if not the same, because I had such a lot of lymph node involvement and she had less, but had a higher grade of breast cancer.
My brain knew this wasn't logical or indeed true, it merely put us in a similar band of statistical risk, and after a while I just had to break away from her as it really wasn't helpful for me to hear these sorts of messages, or to be told I was lucky to be married with a child. (There are no winners in cancer, whatever your life circumstances. And having cancer when you have children is as heartbreaking as not having them.)
Sadly this person died this month (after making a number of very different treatment choices to me and putting up a fantastic fight - I don't usually use this kind of language re cancer, but in this case it was true).
So my new passport feels like a very life affirming thing - which is equally daft, but sometimes it's the crazy things that help you make sense of life.
And it took a lot for me even to write/admit to this irrational thinking - but light and fresh air are very good at blowing the cobwebs away.