Sunday, October 22, 2006

Hospital tomorrow

I'm very pleased at myself for managing to block it out until today. Hopefully it will be a breeze, but my superstitions run so, so deep that I can't bring myself to actually say that.

I think the deep distrust goes back to being on chemo and on one occasion they called me and said my bloods needed repeating before chemo, only when I got there did they tell my liver function was poor, and that could mean two things, the disease had spread or I was experiencing side effects from the drugs I was getting to combat the chemo side effects. I had a truly terrifying instant ultrasound of my liver, which I had to do alone as I'd come alone thinking it was routine. It turned out the drug I was getting to combat oral thrush, your mouth makes new cells very quickly, so chemo targets them the same as cancer cells and therefore you get lots of mouth problems, was affecting my liver. They give you the cheapest oral thrush meds and then if they have side effects bump you up to a more expensive drug. So in short I've not trusted the hospital since, I'm always anxious that they're going to spring some God awful surprise on me.

So excuse me for a few days as I'll be neurotic until tomorrow afternoon, then I'll go back into denial mode while I wait for my mammo result on my good side - and that could take two to three weeks to come through. Illness is measured by waiting. That's what I grieve the most, the loss of control, it offends me on some very deep level, and it hurts my pride - which shouldn't be an issue, but it is.

4 Comments:

Blogger PI said...

You be as neurotic as hell honey. You are allowed. That's reminded my - time to go and say my whatsits. Sometimes I forget when routine is altered and then stay awake all night trying to keep awake to finish them. Unfortunately the Heavens have opened so no doing it my favourite place - the garden. Thinking of you.

4:00 pm  
Blogger nmj said...

apprentice, I wish you luck tomorrow - you are so right, illness is measured by waiting, and your pride is jabbed and scorned along the way, of course it's an issue, and no one would remotely blame you for feeling offended...x

4:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take care and good luck.

5:02 pm  
Blogger apprentice said...

Thanks all. Appropriately it's a wet, dull day. My husband is coming with me, which is good of him as he hates it as much as me. N is in London, we usually keep appointments together.

10:01 am  

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